Editorial Note
For the last two weeks in small groups we have been discussing intimacy, focusing on sexual intimacy. Since intimacy with your spouse is more than just sex, Suzanne provided us with some helpful questions to build intimacy with your spouse.
Still Dating After All These Years
Married at the mid-point of John's M.Div. studies, we heard many great tips about building a strong foundation in our marriage. We heard frequently that good communication is essential to a good marriage. But with our busy lives, how do we nurture that communication? Seven simple but profound questions have been the key to keeping our romance and our friendship fresh for forty years. These seven questions are ones we will ask on a regular basis:
1. How is your/our relationship with the Lord going?
2. How is your/our service or ministry going?
3. How is your job/professional life?
4. How are we doing with our finances?
5. How is our physical/sexual relationship going?
6. How is your/our social life, should we be doing more or less with family/friends?
7. How are the children doing? ...and is there anything else you wanted to talk about?
We learned by experience that good communication was not only being transparent with your own thoughts and feelings, but also sensing when your spouse was receptive. Sometimes issues have to wait a few days because it is exam (or grading!) week, your spouse is sick, or they are distracted with their own challenges. Since early in our marriage we have set aside one block of time a month to really listen to one another and discuss our lives using these questions as our guide.
As a Young Couple
Before children, I worked full time and John was a full time student. We would choose a Sunday afternoon and mark it on our calendars. We would go to separate rooms, agree not to answer the phone, and spend an hour or two with the Lord thinking and praying about each of the questions.
When we were finished with our time with the Lord, John would ask me how my relationship with the Lord was going. When I was finished talking about myself, I would ask him the same question. Then it my turn to pick a question. We were free to pick and choose the order of the questions by what was most important to us that day, although we would always ask each other about our relationship with the Lord first, because when the relationship with God isn't going well, other areas of life usually aren't going well either!
Spending time alone with the Lord first has always been essential for us. After the time with God, we are both humble, receptive, wiling to listen to our spouse, and want the Lord's will above our own. In practical terms, we are therefore each willing to change our minds on the issues where we differ because we want God's will for our marriage and lives.
This pattern early on established an essential habit of being yielded to the Lord before we discuss those personal issues. It motivated us to make every effort to resolve our differences, or at least to genuinely understand the other person's point of view.
With Young Children
After our first child, I worked half time and John worked full time teaching in seminary. On the chosen Sunday of the month, we spent time with the Lord while the baby napped, but usually didn't finish talking through all seven questions before she awoke. Sometimes I fell asleep if I'd been up late with the baby! It often took much of Sunday evening to finish our conversation. We looked forward to that one Sunday a month focusing exclusively on each other and on our baby.
After the second child, nap times were constantly changing and became too unpredictable, so we tried different variations. The best arrangement was to first each spend an hour alone with the Lord while the other watched the children. In the late afternoon we would exchange childcare with a friend or pay a young teen to stay with the children for an hour or two and either go for a walk or go sit in the car and talk.
With Older Children
As the children outgrew naps, we switched to a weekend evening. A table for two in the corner of a restaurant is ideal. We each tried to spend extra time with the Lord that morning. Then we go our to dinner at a not too popular restaurant - one without people standing in line waiting for our table - so we can linger over coffee. We talk through all the issues except sex. I am too afraid of someone at the next table listening in! So we save that topic for some quiet moments at home once the children are asleep (or while we were still out!)
Other Variations
During transition years when finances were tight, I rented a favorite video or the children, fed them ahead of time, and made a candlelight dinner at home. There were always interruptions, so when finances allowed, we would go for a walk to to a restaurant to better give each other our undivided attention.
After 40 Years
Each of us is continually growing and changing - we never know each other completely. We still need to talk together regularly and give each other our undivided attention. It is important to me to listen to John and support him whatever he is going through. After our conversations, I feel so loved because he wants to listen to me and know how my life is going.
After the first six months, as we were getting to know each other better through the questions, we found a pattern emerged. Usually only two of the questions would require in depth discussion. The other areas were generally going fine and our answers would be brief.
In actual practice, when life gets so overwhelmingly busy that we miss a monthly time together, we sense our need to catch up with each other. During times of great change or transition, such as having children, moving, buying a house, changing jobs, having surgery, one or both of us experience increased stress. It is more important that ever to keep our monthly dates and keep current with each other.
This month we plan to go out to dinner while our son is at an activity - I'm really looking forward to it. I have many things to tell him.
By Suzanne Kilner
TWF Faculty Wife Advisor
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