Seven Important Questions

Editorial Note

     For  the last two weeks in small groups we have been discussing intimacy, focusing on sexual intimacy. Since intimacy with your spouse is more than just sex, Suzanne provided us with some helpful questions to build intimacy with your spouse.

Still Dating After All These Years

     Married at the mid-point of John's M.Div. studies, we heard many great tips about building a strong foundation in our marriage. We heard frequently that good communication is essential to a good marriage. But with our busy lives, how do we nurture that communication? Seven simple but profound questions have been the key to keeping our romance and our friendship fresh for forty years. These seven questions are ones we will ask on a regular basis:

     1. How is your/our relationship with the Lord going?

     2. How is your/our service or ministry going?

     3. How is your job/professional life?

     4. How are we doing with our finances?

     5. How is our physical/sexual relationship going?

     6. How is your/our social life, should we be doing more or less with family/friends?

     7. How are the children doing? ...and is there anything else you wanted to talk about?

     We learned by experience that good communication was not only being transparent with your own thoughts and feelings, but also sensing when your spouse was receptive. Sometimes issues have to wait a few days because it is exam (or grading!) week, your spouse is sick, or they are distracted with their own challenges. Since early in our marriage we have set aside one block of time a month to really listen to one another and discuss our lives using these questions as our guide.

As a Young Couple

      Before children, I worked full time and John was a full time student. We would choose a Sunday afternoon and mark it on our calendars. We would go to separate rooms, agree not to answer the phone, and spend an hour or two with the Lord thinking and praying about each of the questions.

     When we were finished with our time with the Lord, John would ask me how my relationship with the Lord was going. When I was finished talking about myself, I would ask him the same question. Then it my turn to pick a question. We were free to pick and choose the order of the questions by what was most important to us that day, although we would always ask each other about our relationship with the Lord first, because when the relationship with God isn't going well, other areas of life usually aren't going well either!

     Spending time alone with the Lord first has always been essential for us. After the time with God, we are both humble, receptive, wiling to listen to our spouse, and want the Lord's will above our own. In practical terms, we are therefore each willing to change our minds on the issues where we differ because we want God's will for our marriage and lives.

     This pattern early on established an essential habit of being yielded to the Lord before we discuss those personal issues. It motivated us to make every effort to resolve our differences, or at least to genuinely understand the other person's point of view.

With Young Children

      After our first child, I worked half time and John worked full time teaching in seminary. On the chosen Sunday of the month, we spent time with the Lord while the baby napped, but usually didn't finish talking through all seven questions before she awoke. Sometimes I fell asleep if I'd been up late with the baby! It often took much of Sunday evening to finish our conversation. We looked forward to that one Sunday a month focusing exclusively on each other and on our baby.

     After the second child, nap times were constantly changing and became too unpredictable, so we tried different variations. The best arrangement was to first each spend an hour alone with the Lord while the other watched the children. In the late afternoon we would exchange childcare with a friend or pay a young teen to stay with the children for an hour or two and either go for a walk or go sit in the car and talk.

With Older Children

      As the children outgrew naps, we switched to a weekend evening. A table for two in the corner of a restaurant is ideal. We each tried to spend extra time with the Lord that morning. Then we go our to dinner at a not too popular restaurant - one without people standing in line waiting for our table - so we can linger over coffee. We talk through all the issues except sex. I am too afraid of someone at the next table listening in! So we save that topic for some quiet moments at home once the children are asleep (or while we were still out!)

Other Variations

      During transition years when finances were tight, I rented a favorite video or the children, fed them ahead of time, and made a candlelight dinner at home. There were always interruptions, so when finances allowed, we would go for a walk to to a restaurant to better give each other our undivided attention.

After 40 Years

      Each of us is continually growing and changing - we never know each other completely. We still need to talk together regularly and give each other our undivided attention. It is important to me to listen to John and support him whatever he is going through. After our conversations, I feel so loved because he wants to listen to me and know how my life is going.

     After the first six months, as we were getting to know each other better through the questions, we found a pattern emerged. Usually only two of the questions would require in depth discussion. The other areas were generally going fine and our answers would be brief.

     In actual practice, when life gets so overwhelmingly busy that we miss a monthly time together, we sense our need to catch up with each other. During times of great change or transition, such as having children, moving, buying a house, changing jobs, having surgery, one or both of us experience increased stress. It is more important that ever to keep our monthly dates and keep current with each other.

     This month we plan to go out to dinner while our son is at an activity - I'm really looking forward to it. I have many things to tell him.

By Suzanne Kilner

TWF Faculty Wife Advisor

My Father's Passing

     I was able to spend the last four days of his life with my father, Edson Fast. What I wanted to share with all of you was the amazing way our amazing God was in the details of these four days. It became obvious that the experimental chemo was not working, and Dad, at the age of 81, was not strong enough for another option. We requested that a nurse from palliative/hospice care speak with us. She was amazing and walked Dad through the history of his illness. I held his hand and he said, "Actually, I'm ready." And then as only our good Lord can do, when I mentioned that Dad was a minister of the Gospel, the nurse asked, "What seminary did you go to?" The story spilled out that Dad had gone to Trinity - back when Trinity was still located in Chicago. She shared that her husband had gone to Trinity in the 80's and that he now pastors a church in Toledo. Her son is taking online classes through Trinity.

     Then, there was joy as we reminisced about Dad's various ministries in New England. We sang a song that I used to sing as a young girl when we traveled as a part of a "Chalk Talk." As Dad drew a picture on a large canvas depicting a Biblical scene, Mom played the piano, the siblings played their instruments, and I scrambled to stand on a folding chair next to Dad at the pulpit. "I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever..."

     Thank you for letting me share this with you. May God continue to use us and Trinity for His  glory.

By Kristen Johnson

Faculty Wife

Money and Marriage Course Coming to Trinity!

     The Trinity Wives Fellowship is happy to invite you to Money and Marriage, a course designed by Compass: Finances God's Way that will teach you in six sessions how to handle your personal finances God's way.

     The Money and Marriage course will give you the opportunity to learn what the Bible teaches about financial discipleship, and it sure has a lot to say! 2,350 verses in the Bible relate to money, and Jesus talked about money more than any other topic. Why? If we don't carefully manage the resources that Lord has entrusted to us, the financial stress related to money and debt can do serious harm to our families, ministries, and spiritual health. Ultimately, we all want to be financially free to serve the Lord with undivided focus and zeal.

     In addition to learning about key teachings in Scripture related to financial discipleship, the course will guide you through practical steps to help you establish a clear vision of what you have, what you owe, how much you need, how much you spend and create easy-to-use debt lists, budgets and yes, even a will!

     Whether you are debt-free and have savings in the bank or you are having a hard time making it to the end of the month, this course will show you where you are along the seven destinations of the Compass Map towards increasing true financial freedom and how to plan to get to the next. Going through this course will prepare you to take others in your (future) churches through the journey towards financial freedom as well, and ultimately free up more resources (time, talents, treasure) amongst all the people of God for relevant Kingdom purposes.

     The course will be taught by Jeff and Pam Stevenson. Jeff has been teaching stewardship, training leaders, and doing personal finances counseling for over 15 years both in the States and in Chile. Pam has been helping Jeff since they got married four years ago. They arrived at Trinity four months ago from Chile and are living on campus with their two children Lisa (3) and Danny (1) while Jeff studies a doctorate in Intercultural Studies.

For more information on the course, contact Trinity Wives Fellowship at twf@tiu.edu.

By Pamela Stevenson

TWF Publicity

Christian Hospitality and Our Excuses

    Besides Christ follower, wife, and mother, I desire to be a welcomer. I want everything about my life to say welcome, and I believe this is biblical. Now this doesn't come easy. I am deeply passionate about Christian hospitality, but I still struggle. I like my quiet alone time. I occasionally feel embarrassed about my small apartment or simple decor. Sometimes I worry about having enough money to feed my own family, let alone visiting mouths. I often feel overwhelmed with the busyness that comes with managing a family, working outside of my home, and homeschooling. My excuses aside though, I desire to regularly show Christian hospitality by inviting others into my home.

    Over the next few posts, I hope to write about various aspects of Christian hospitality and give a few simple challenges to further motivate you (and myself!) in this area. Today I want to address some of the most common excuses we give for why we cannot invite people into our homes.

Excuse #1: I don't have enough space.

     Honestly, this is probably the worst excuse you can give. You may not have a few thousand (or even a couple hundred!) square feet. You may not even own a home, but you do have space somewhere! Do you have a common area in your college dorm? Do you have a porch off your tiny apartment? Do you have a living room chair or a kitchen table? Do you have a yard? Let's stop waiting to have Pinterest perfect mansions, and instead focus on using the space we have now for welcoming others, no matter how small or simple it may seem.


    I'm always convicted when I think of how many Ugandans welcomed me into their homes. Rarely was there an actual couch. Usually there wasn't even enough indoor space. Often we would all gather outside in the red clay dirt of their yard. As the guest I was usually offered a straw mat or a rickety chair. It was incredibly humble by American standards, but their heart was always to welcome and I loved them for it! We usually didn't have long chats, but their goal, no matter how short of an interaction, was to honor the visitor. The Ugandans I knew modeled for me using their space, no matter how big or small, to show hospitality.

"Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares." Hebrews 13:2 (ESV)

Excuse #2: I don't feel like it.

     Are we commanded to share the Gospel? Are we commanded to welcome and care for other believers? Are we commanded to care for widows and orphans? Let's stop giving excuses and start obeying the Lord. I think those of us in the West give far too much attention to our personalities or feelings at the expense of obedience. Our homes are not our own. They do provide much needed rest and recovery from hard work (especially for us introverts!), but they are still to be yielded to the Lord. Our emotions should not gauge how obedient we will be to the commands of Scripture to show hospitality.

    One major sacrifice made for our own family happened when our adoption process was being continually delayed. We gave up our own rental home to move to a large city to get medical care for our preemie newborn. Two months later, our adoption process still wasn't finished for our oldest child, and we had to move back to our small town. Our dear friends, Matt and Kayla invited us to come live in their guest house. I was shocked and didn't want to accept such radical help. We had no other options though and a hotel would be incredibly expensive long-term.  So we made the move, thinking it would only be two months. Our stay ended up being six months!! I struggled so much feeling like a burden, but they never made us feel anything but welcomed! It was amazing. I'm sure it wasn't easy for them, bu their sacrificial love daily encouraged us. Ultimately it pointed us to Christ during one of the most challenging seasons of our life.

"Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality." Romans 12:13 (ESV)

Excuse #3: I don't have the money.

     This excuse often stems from our confusing hospitality with entertainment. I would offer that for the Christians, they are different! Our chief goal as Christians is not entertainment. Our desires should not be for someone to focus on our curtains, our perfect place settings, or our spotless home. Our desires should be to point others to Christ and bring glory to His name. That can be done with a simple glass of water. It can also be done with beautiful curtains and a fancy five-course meal. Fancy or simple though, our aim is to glorify God and love others, NOT to put on a show.

    To the best of my memory, the first woman outside of my immediate family to ever show hospitality to me was a mentally handicapped Muslim woman in France. She welcomed me and another female missionary into her home with mint tea and hard candies. That was it. By the world's standards, it was incredibly simple, but that was more than enough to make us feel loved and welcomed. We had a wonderful time discussing the Gospel, and she enjoyed having us try on her hijab. Sadly, I didn't keep in touch, but her afternoon of kindness motivated me as a Christian to bring hospitality to the forefront of my life. How much more hope and joy do I have to share with others through the love of Jesus Christ? Christians should not sacrifice the truth of the Gospel, but we should be know worldwide for our live and warm welcome of others in the name of Jesus.

"Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, and having a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work." I Timothy 5:9-10 (ESV)

Excuse #4: I don't have time.

     This is probably my most challenging excuse personally. If you are a wife and mother, the tasks that demand your time can indeed be extensive. It's easy to get overwhelmed by the logistics of normal life and feel like you should have to worry about those outside your immediate family or close friend group. Even as I write these words, this has been my own struggle this week. I wrongly think to myself, "I am already busy with my husband, kiddos, church, work, household management, and my close friends. I don't need anything or anyone else on my plate now!" But, this is the wrong way to think of those around us. There is indeed a practical limit to our time and days. We have 24 hours in a day and some days, those hours are filled to the brim. BUT for most of us, aren't there many wasted minutes in our days (or nights) filled with skimming Facebook, watching Netflix, or doing other hobbies of non-eternal value? It stings a bit, but most of us know it's true. What if instead of thinking more about our own free time or leisure, we thought about that struggling new mom on campus or that lonely visitor at church? Dear sisters, our time is not our own to spend on whatever whim or desire we have. Even our time on this earth is to stewarded and yielded for the glory of God. I think all too often we say we are too busy for others when in fact there are still pockets of time in our lives where we could chose to die to ourselves and love someone else.

    One of my dearest friends did this regularly for me when I lived in Uganda. Dianna (pictured below!) is a wife and mom of nine children!! When I first heard that her family moved to my small town, I was so excited to meet her. I'm kind of obsessed with large family moms and learning about how they do life. I was a single mom of one at the time and really just wanted to sit at her feet and learn from her. I invited her whole family over one day for lunch and the rest was history. She warmly welcomed me into her home multiple days a week for two solid years!! Usually our time together was afternoons, dinner/evenings, or Sundays. Her time was indeed limited, but she gave freely to me of what was left. She walked with me through single motherhood, courtship, marriage, adoption, pregnancy, miscarriage and just basic learning about life as a godly woman. I know it wasn't always easy for her, and I'm sure there were days when she just wanted to lay on the couch (sometimes we did that together while we chatted about life!), but she gave me her time, and I am so incredibly thankful. To this day, I can hardly put into words the impact time with her has had on my life.

"Show hospitality to one another without grumbling." I Peter 4:9 (ESV)

So my sisters, I leave you with this challenge, think of just one woman you could invite into your home this week. It could be for dinner, tea, a play date, or a time of prayer. Don't think about your space, feelings, money, or time. Ask the Lord to enable you to obey Scripture and invite her into your home. Praying for you all!

By Lexi Zuo