In this book, we are asked the thought-provoking question, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This book seeks to persuade us that marriage teaches devotion and sanctifies the couple in ways singleness cannot, as well as showing us how sex can enhance our spiritual lives, and vice-versa.
How does marriage, passion, and romance point us more fully to God? God uses marriage as a picture of His pursuit of His people all throughout the Old and New Testaments. Marriage, as a covenant, shows the unconditional and unwavering love God has for His people. It also is a picture to the world of the gospel and the ways God has pursued His people.
Marriages often become hollow because one or both spouses are looking for fulfillment in one another. Rather, marriage is a journey to knowing God more and reflecting His Son more fully. Marriage forces each spouse to learn to forgive, to become selfless, to learn to be humble, and to be confronted with sin.
The more we learn about how to love our spouse, the more we learn about how to love God. One of the ways marriage teaches us all of these things is through sex and intimacy.
A quick dive in...
Sex teaches and represents loving one another, humility, selflessness, and even worship. Sex can teach us about prayer. By physically enjoying and pleasing our spouse, we better understand what it means to fully give yourself to God in worship, to speak softly to Him, and to wonder how we can please Him in ways He wants to be pleased.
Marriage teaches us what it means to come together, "falling" towards one another in intimacy. This means not only sexual fidelity, but actually becoming one with each other, to "commingle our souls." In order to do this, we must share our inner self through communication - spoken and physical. We cannot have true intimacy if we avoid physical communication through sexual and non-sexual touch and we cannot share our inner selves without taking the time to talk with each other and listen to one another. This means truly understanding what the other spouse is talking about! Surrendering our demands and our wishes to please our spouse, so as to meet their needs.
We must understand that apathy is the opposite of Christian love, and doesn't fulfill our marital duty. Even conflict can provide an avenue to become more engaged (which is why "make-up sex" is something real) as conflict is overcome and forces the couple to "fall" towards one another.
Sex bestows a great amount of relational power which can be used to serve and sacrifice for one another. This means manipulation is completely out of the question for Christian marriages. When a spouse denies the other of physical intimacy, there is no other outlet. On the other hand, placing a great sexual burden in an attempt to meet other unmet needs is another use of power. We shouldn't use our bodies to manipulate or destroy.
Sex can be used as a spiritual discipline, if we become theologically grounded in our view of sex. Thomas suggests praying through the sexual experience, thanking God for sex. If either spouse is struggling with shame and guilt surrounding sex, he says that "gratitude can replace guilt."
Marriage causes us to focus on internal beauty. Though we should upkeep our bodies, we can have the grace of acceptance towards one another, knowing that our bodies will not always be in great shape. Married men and women can know each other intimately, and this allows each spouse to love the body that is real, rather than fantasies or images.
Sex also teaches us to give what we have to one another fully, whether we are happy with ourselves or not. Practicing this in marriage and in sexual intimacy allows us to better understand giving ourselves fully to God - giving what we have whether we like what we have or not.
By Sarah Smith
Highwood/Highland Park Small Group Leader
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